In my first 3 posts, I related my family’s journey with ALS, hoping that other caregivers would connect with some aspects of my experience. Going forward, Caregiver Confidential will be a monthly forum for caregivers to share ideas and the unique experiences and perspectives of caring for a loved one with ALS.
But first, let me describe how my daughter Leah and I coped after my husband Brian passed away in 2010. Although the first year as a widow was a huge life adjustment, I still had a semblance of my pre-ALS life. Leah was living at home, working, and applying to medical school. I enjoyed being part of her journey into medicine, and it kept me mentally occupied. Then the bottom fell out—Leah left to attend medical school in Philadelphia in July 2011, which was a painfully difficult adjustment and the point at which I was forced to confront that I was now alone, as a single person, after a 36-year marriage. Slowly, I have regained my footing, but I also have had considerable time to ruminate about my experience as a caregiver.
So, what did I learn from being a caregiver to a loved one with ALS? Here’s a brief partial list (I will go into greater length on some of these topics in future posts):
- Adopt the sentiment, “Today is the best day of your life.” While there is always hope even in terminal illness, try to live with your loved one in the moment, because you do not know what tomorrow will bring. (This mindset runs counter-intuitive to the saying, “Tomorrow will be a better day.”) Maybe go on that once-in-a-lifetime vacation, for example, to create memories.
- Be flexible in your approach to caregiving and do not have any expectations. So much about ALS is out of your control.
- As the primary caregiver, take care of your own health and needs. Do not be afraid to ask for help or think it reflects poorly on you if you cannot manage all of the caregiving duties. A break from caregiving will make you a better, more patient caregiver.
- Forgive yourself for having bad moments with your loved one. It is okay to feel angry, overwhelmed, and resentful at times. Being a caregiver to a loved one with ALS may be the most challenging job you will ever have.
- Seek out professional help, be it a counselor, clergy, and/or social worker. Getting another perspective or talking to a professional can be very therapeutic.
- Remember that the ALS Association is a wonderful resource and partner for dealing with many aspects of ALS. I can attest from personal experience that Beth Barrett of the St. Louis office was key to many of our family’s caregiving decisions.
What lessons have you learned as a caregiver? What suggestions would you pass along to other caregivers? Please share your experiences in the comments section. Let’s continue the conversation.
Idelle Winer was primary caregiver to her husband Brian, who passed away in 2010 after a 5-year battle with ALS. A retired medical publishing professional, Idelle offers her unique perspective on a variety of caregiving topics in our feature Caregiver Confidential.
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