Ring the Bells

By Idelle Winer

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

—Leonard Cohen, “Anthem”

Remember the exaltation of discovering a new musician or poet? In July 2009, my husband Brian had that experience after watching a DVD of Leonard Cohen’s Live in London concert. Brian enjoyed a variety of music genres, ranging from rock music to Broadway musicals, but did not listen to Leonard Cohen. After viewing the DVD, however, Brian became Cohen’s biggest fan—he dubbed it the “religion of Lenny.” Brian even took the DVD to the ICU when he had his feeding tube placed in August 2009, discussing the meaning behind many of Cohen’s lyrics with the hospital’s rabbi and ICU nurses. Brian was hooked, listening religiously until the end of his life.

Brian remained in relatively good health in retirement until October 2008, when he developed breathing problems. He had a setback in late October when he collapsed from shortness of breath. Unfortunately, our daughter Leah had just walked in the front door when this event occurred. We rushed Brian to the hospital, where he remained in the ICU for almost 2 weeks. He was placed on a Bi-PAP machine to support his breathing.

Until June 2009, Brian did well at home. Although confined to a wheelchair and immobile for the most part, Brian could still speak, project his voice, and swallow food (he loved to eat!). He could go for short periods without use of the Bi-PAP, which made it easier for him to communicate and eat. However, due to a decline in his breathing, we had to decide whether Brian should undergo feeding tube placement. Brian did not want any invasive life-sustaining measures, but because he could still speak, he went ahead with the procedure.

Over the next 6 to 9 months, Brian lost his ability to speak clearly. Verbal exchanges that previously took seconds could consume half an hour, and speech required unprecedented effort, given his respiratory difficulties. I looked into a variety of assistive devices and microphones to help project his voice, but this proved unsuccessful because Brian could no longer enunciate, his voice was soft, and the Bi-PAP mask, which he now wore full-time, was incompatible with most microphones.

I recall a conversation in 2010 with Beth Barrett from the ALS Association, in which we discussed various topics, ranging from types of assistive devices to the decision of whether to undergo invasive, life-prolonging procedures. Beth explained that every ALS patient draws a “line in the sand” and defines what constitutes quality of life. In retrospect, the ability to talk and be understood was Brian’s line in the sand.

Photo for Blog #3
Brian and Idelle, July 2007

That brings me back to Leonard Cohen. Brian found joy, solace, and hope in the lyrics of many Cohen songs. As Rabbi Lynn Goldstein stated so eloquently in Brian’s eulogy:

Brian had a verse that he loved, from Leonard Cohen’s Ring the bells [“Anthem”]. He loved the chorus particularly, and quoted it often, especially when things were difficult. This song reminds us that even in the most difficult times, there is a crack and light will inevitably come in. In his last years, there was no way anyone could cure his illness. There was no way for him to return to the healthy individual he had been. But, Brian believed deeply that there was still light, that nothing was perfect, but he would do his very best with the hand dealt him, that he would look for the light, let it in, and enjoy living in that light with those he loved to the very best of his ability, with all his heart, with all his soul, and with all his might.

Brian passed away at home on the morning of August 24, 2010. He was 60 years old.

What challenges have your family faced with ALS? How have you coped? Please share your experiences in the comments section. Let’s continue the conversation.

For more information on ALS and resources for caregivers, please visit www.alsa-stl.org.
You can read more about Idelle and Brian’s journey here.

ALS Caregiving – Preserving Your Relationship with Your Partner

Illness, including ALS, can attack without warning and can happen to anyone. No two people with ALS are living in the same situation and no two ALS illness courses will exact the same toll. But all couples, where one partner is placed in the dual roles of loving partner and personal care provider, will experience the greatest test on a marriage and that of their commitment to it.  It is essential that couples continue to function as partners, and not become only patient and caregiver.

With the physical changes brought on by ALS, comes a shift in the balance of power that is naturally created in all relationships.   As one partner becomes less physically able; the other becomes more physically active to make sure that the household functions, the kids are raised and/or cared for, and provide physical care and emotional support for their loved one.  Without paying attention to our emotions, resentment can easily crop into our lives.

How To Preserve The Relationship?

  1. Maintain equality within the relationship and find ways for both partners to make significant and meaningful contributions. Take advantage of the resources available to you. The power of technology can allow a person with very little controlled muscle movement to become an active member of the family and its day to day operations.
  2. Keep communication open through family meetings and make decisions as a team. Remember, to try and end the ALS journey as you started it, a team fighting together.
  3. Focus on your Relationship: Research indicates that the better you feel about your relationship with the person receiving care, the less stress you will have. Talk with him or her. Get counseling. If there is serious conflict, invite a third person–one you both know and trust–to help mediate. The results can be gratifying: spouses with the highest morale generally attribute it to the continuing companionship and good relationship they have with their partners, which can also help sex lives to stay healthy.
  4. Get help! Take advantage of resources available – especially respite care. This allows caregivers to get away from relentless and potentially overwhelming responsibilities for an hour, a day or several weeks by having skilled care personnel stay in the home, or by having their partner stay in a facility which provides an appropriate level of care.   Most caregivers report that providing personal care for their spouse takes away from the sexual intimacy needed to maintain strong bonds of marriage.
  5. Stay Independent and Avoid Isolation:  Keep in touch with friends, have people over/visit them, going out independently will help decrease isolation and foster independence.  Not many married couples, independent of ALS, spend 24 hours together and do all activities together
  6. Pay attention to each other’s health, both physical and emotional. Honor each other’s need to manage stress, relieve frustration and grieve by taking enough time for themselves.
  7. Manage Stress – Stress can cause physical and emotional exhaustion. Its symptoms include diminishing self-esteem, a negative attitude, a loss of concern for others, a loss of focus on your own life. If let unattended for caregiver’s, it can lead to burnout – It’s real and It happens!
  8. Get Your Finances in Order: Regardless of how little or how much you have, get some help sorting through insurance policies, retirement programs, social security and other government entitlements to find out what there really is to draw on. Keep in mind that specific benefits and programs change from year to year, so re-check periodically. This will help to minimize endless worry about financial strain.
  9. Accept Help: Don’t try to manage ALS all alone.  Taking advantage of the offers of help that come from family and friends, can make time to be set aside as couple time. It is important to continue dating activities, or those activities celebrating your love for each other that were in place prior to ALS.

You may not be able to do anything about ALS being in your life, but you control how it impacts your time, energy, attitude and quality of life.   Finding ways to acknowledge and nurture your personal life will bring new energy and enthusiasm into your life as a partner, patient, friend or caregiver.   Even the strongest individuals, and marriages may need extra concern and help along the path of ALS.

For more information and resources on caregiving, please visit http://www.alsa-stl.org.